Many of us experience a big difference between the things that turn us on to fantasize about and the things we actually want to experience. It’s pretty common for people, especially those who have been socialized as women, to have rape fantasies: It turns them on to think about being raped or the concept of rape. And none of those people consciously want themselves or anyone else to be raped in the physical plane. Similarly, we love films about war, serial killers, and other tragedies, yet most of us don’t consciously want to experience these things. I love the idea of being ravished beyond my consent. Yet, I’d never want anyone to be raped or engaged with beyond their consent and my own experiences of being engaged with beyond my consent have not been pleasurable. Important note–many women experience lubrication, physical turn on, pleasure, and even orgasm during nonconsensual sex. The body is trying to protect itself from physical and emotional harm.

Sometimes our desires are in our shadow because we feel shame or fear of them, which only give them more power and sharpens their erotic edge–the more we try to push them away, the more desirable they become! Even if we wouldn’t want to actually experience it in the physical realm, the fantasy that turns us on might have some information for us about what we want to feel, and we may be able to figure out a way to have that feeling that we are excited to act on.